My heart is aching Lord...my mind is weary....my body is growing more fragile and worn. My journey has been long, and without the rewards I expected from my labors. Have I tried too hard to "do it all" by myself, or did I not do enough? Do I let my pride stand in the way? Do I desire too much? When I was a child, I knew no barriers...there were no "rules" just a need felt, a request made, and a belief that it would be fulfilled by the "goodness" of life. What is it that happened? How did I change from that unquestioning "child?"

I see now, how fortunate I am to have had that "beginning," it helped me form trust and expectation. But when did I begin to doubt my access to having my needs fulfilled? What enlarged my awareness to the needs beyond those basic ones and make me feel unfulfilled? Perhaps when those needs grew, as I was exposed to a bigger realm of things beyond and noticed what others had?

Maybe it began when the "free gifts" of nature, a flower, a butterfly, the breeze tickling my face were no longer "enough" to fill all of my desires? When, I wonder, did I cease to enjoy the warmth of my clothes, and start to notice how they "looked?" When did I stop opening my mouth to all food provided, and decide I didn't like spinach? Curious, isn't it? Perhaps it was when I began to stop being a "child" and began to grow into a "person." As I became a unique, "individual", with likes and dislikes...forming opinions, and developing methods of thought that would all make up "me."

Some may call this process "growing up." It starts when a young child is influenced by a sibling, perhaps. Spinach tasted ok until my little sister started to choke on the taste of it. Or, I liked my pink blanket, until daddy told me it was time for me to act like a "big girl" and leave it in the bedroom instead of carrying it with me all morning. These are only the beginning of how we start to come out of who we are before we are influenced by others.

I am sure this "growth" does not totally displease the Lord, assuredly, He did not want everyone exactely "alike," as evidenced in the wonderful array of "differences" in the world. But we must realize that if we get too far away from "who" we were, originally, we may end up with a "lost" feeling someday. It's such a delicate balance of keeping who we are in tact yet becoming "more." I think that God must have seen it as a great challenge to make all things so "different" and yet so "alike." Everything is dependant on Him, in some way or another. We, the human race, are the most needy of our Creator, for we are more complex than a tree, or a bird... our need is much more "spiritual." We have all the "creature needs" as well as the needs of our soul. And no matter how independant we try to become, we can never be so "complete" that we no longer need our Father. Many have tried, and many have failed.

What is it then, what gets us into trouble in the "connection" between God and man? Where does the short circuit begin to form? Is it "in" us, or caused by our surroundings and other people? Does God turn away from us? The Bible says that it is not Our Maker who turns away...we are the ones who get "distant." But if we have always prayed and tried to maintain that spiritual relationship...perhaps it could be the "world" that forms the buffer that distances us? Those "distractions" of things to do, places to go, people, the cares of the world.

I have always been very ready to reach out to my Heavenly Father, it is an automatic response. I wonder, can I be "too"eager? Is it His desire to help me "grow" that delays an "answer?" Even when there is "no answer" at all...I just keep right on asking...is this a testing of my endurance by him? Have I not proved that "time" doesn't still my requests? Time doesn't seem to make me want "the answer" less. And I have only known him to be a "swift to answer" Master a few times, in my life. Did I have "something right" within my prayers at those times?

How many times I have wondered about that...for it was in those "swift" answers, that seemed almost effortless, that I was thrilled the most. I was "energized"by the thought that "we" had connected as Father...and "child." My need was met as if by a loving parent...with such a "automatic response." This is what I wanted this relationship for "us" always. Perhaps, that is what it will be like in Heaven? A desire is met as we think of it. I speak of desire not only in a self-serving way...it could also be a wish to make someone else happy, or healed, or fulfilled. I think of it more as being "God enabled" to do all things.

In times of "need" I want to always be confident that God is right here with me...and that he will care for me...and give me the best. Does that sound like a "spoiled child?" I truelly hope that it does not...for I have never asked for extravagant things. Mainly, it has been the needs of my heart that have taken the front row. The want of love, companionship... honesty, respect. Somewhere along the line, in childhood, I was taught that we would reap what we sow...so I expected this, here in this life. It was not until many years passed that I finally heard the true meaning of that "rule" was not a sure thing in "this world" but was promised as an eternal reward. Yet...I forget...my heart longs for these things now.

I know that we cannot expect these things here, as if they are due us... but my mind reasons "why shouldn't we be able to expect them? From fellow Christians, at least?" And, I feel that it would please God, if we loved our neighbor as ourself, as he has commanded us. So, am I far off-base then? Perhaps not. Why do people sit in Church together, yet never see one another? I have always felt myself slightly distracted by my "unknown family" around me, in church. Noticing a beautiful child...hugging it's mother's neck...eyelids drooping. Or seeing the dignity in a whitehaired old woman's eyes...she sits alone now...her mate has already joined the Lord. I wonder if she is ok? But, most of all...I enjoy "family groups" where the generations are sitting together, in one long pew. Grandparents, parents, children...this is such a "gift" from God.

I have learned to think of everyone present, as "my spiritual family." It began. years ago, when I returned to attending church again, after my divorce. I had felt so unbearably alone...but after communion, I began to gradually feel like those I had shared this spiritual reception of Our Lord with were actually my "family" even though I did not know their names. So, I began to enjoy their children...instead of mourning my childlessness. A little girl with golden hair and a pretty dress...two young boys, pinching each other when mom wasn't looking, brought a smile to my face. It started to make "church" feel more like "home." How sad it seemed that this big group of people couldn't learn to really "share" the gift of "family" the way the early Christians must have. There must have been community meals, and times of fun and shared work. or mutual mourning.

Loneliness is one of the most prevelant "hurts" of our time. It has been my own "hurt" for as long as I can recall. How easily we could remedy that, if we could only "reach out." But I, also, know that I hold back, when I'd rather start a conversation. I fail to participate, when I'd really like to. I didn't go to a prayer meeting, because my hair didn't look good...I didn't have the right thing to wear. Letting the superficial things deprive me of the inner needs. I know this isn't what the Lord wants, the Word of God tells us not to be concerned about these things. When I have asked to be rescued from my lonliness...perhaps I could have rescued myself, by thinking less of outward appearances, and just followed my heart's need.

How many times do we think that we are "trapped" and yet some dialogue with the Lord might bring some light into the seeming darkness. I fall into that trap, I am sure. Maybe I am just too weary to go "searching" for the answers, I want You to just give them to me? Whatever it is, I sincerely don't mean to offend God. At times I am still that young child inside, and I drop all my guards...and I just want to "reach out" and have Him supply my needs. At other times, I try to do all the work, with carefully thought out plans and proceedures. Let's see, I'll confess my sins, ask forgiveness, pray for my needs, make sure they are in the Will of God's Word, and expect that I have them...and walla! But, no...I have never found the perfect "method" of getting what I want, and the key word there, is "want." We'll only get what we "need" and that is what God says we need. Shall I laugh at myself, or cry?

Let's walk on......